As parents we need to make sure we stop frequently to really connect with our kids. It’s not enough to make sure they’re in the right schools, on the right athletic teams, and going to the right church activities. Kids crave interaction and attention from their parents, even if they don’t act like it.

When I was about 12, my mom mastered the art of connecting with her children. Every day when I arrived home from school, she’d have a glass of iced tea and a plate of cookies waiting for me. I’d walk in the door, drop my backpack, and head straight for the kitchen table. My mom would sit down with me and ask me about my day as I refueled for the afternoon.

Looking back, we didn’t spend hours talking. We spent maybe 10-15 minutes chatting over iced tea and cookies. But it was 10-15 minutes every single day that I had my mom’s undivided attention. And during those early middle school years, I learned that I could talk to my mom. That set the stage for the tumultuous high school years. When I was having problems, I knew I could talk to my mom, often over iced tea and cookies.

Parents, I urge you to set up some sort of routine to make sure you spend time with each of your children every day. Make sure they get some undivided attention from you while they’re young. It will help them feel secure. It will make them feel special and loved. And it will help open the lines of communication while they’re young, so talking to you is a habit when they’re older.

Photo by M Shades.

Their favorite? Gifts, of course!

These gifts, however, are not generally items that you could find in a store. In fact, it is rare that they have any real material value. A lump of coal or interesting rock found while walking the tracks, a menu from the restaurant he ate breakfast at, a brochure from the hotel, a map, a penny, and a walnut have all become treasured possessions. While they are frequent, they are not quite routine…and my husband does not even necessarily bring something for each child when he does bring something home. Our oldest stores away her treasures, as she calls them, to draw out when she misses her father. The younger ones tend to drag them around until they are worn to nothing or finally lost, which has been the fate of all of the postcards he has sent thus far. So much for the album I was trying to make for them!

These simple gifts do not represent anything of material value. Instead, they demonstrate that their father thinks of them while he is away in a very tangible way. And while they cannot give him a hug every day, they can clasp a walnut, flip a coin or recite the lines off the back of a postcard while they wait for his next phone call.

Want to build a better relationship with your children, regardless of their age?  Here are 5 things that, if you start them today, you’ll see your relationship improve:

1. Be the kind of person you want your child to become.

If you go back through my childhood memory book, you’ll find a blank at the bottom of every grade that you’re supposed to fill in with what you want to be when you grow up. If you were to look at all of those blanks you would see that they are filled with exactly what I am now– and what my father was growing up.

Your children are impacted by who you are, what you do, and how you treat others. That’s why it’s important to think about who you are through the prism of what they will become. What you do today with them can inspire them or cause them to rebel.

2. Be consistent.

One of the things that I’ve learned as a parent is my inconsistency. And it’s not surprising as it’s probably one of the things that I would have told you was the problem with my parents growing up. You know the drill– the rules always seem to change, the punishment is never the same, and the neighbor kid always gets away with being bad.

Truth is, it’s hard to be consistent– it takes work. It means that you either need to give fewer instructions, or you need some way of keeping track of your instructions. There’s comfort for your child and you when you know what is expected and you keep to it.

3. Tell the truth.

Nothing says “I don’t trust you” than not telling someone the truth. This goes for our kids as well. Kids know when they’re being lied to, and if we’re lazy with giving reasons for why we’re doing what we’re doing we’re doing them a disservice.

I read a Parenting Magazine article which made the argument that sometimes it is all right to lie to your kids– I disagree. I don’t think it’s ever right to lie, period. Telling the truth, no matter how difficult it might be, means that your kids can trust what you say. If they can trust you, then you’ll be building a bond with your kids so that they will not want to lie to you about what they are doing when you ask.

4. Admit your mistakes.

This is a tough one. No one likes to be wrong, and no one likes others to see their weaknesses. And yet this “false face” that we wear does our family a disservice in a couple of ways. First, it promotes hypocrisy in our household. You know you fail, they know you fail, and yet you pretend you don’t. This breeds hypocrisy in your children as well as arrogance.

Second, it does not teach your children how to handle their mistakes and take responsibility for their actions. We live in an age where people expect all the privilege and none of the responsibility. The key to changing this is to model what to do when things go wrong– not just when they go right.

5. Let them talk.

This one may be the hardest of all. From the time that they are a small baby we have gotten used to saying things for them. We help them complete sentences, we explain to our spouse what went on in their day, and we fill in the blanks when they can’t figure out how to say what their thinking. And then we talk over and around them because we feel that their conversation is too simplistic.

By doing this we’re teaching our kids two things– that our “adult” conversation is more important than what they have to say and that their peers are the only ones that will listen to them. We need to make sure that we let them talk with us (don’t just let them talk and not interact!) and that we teach them about how to be polite, and how to express themselves. It’s worth the investment.

Any other tips that you have and want to share?