If you?re a girl, or you?ve dated a girl, no doubt you?ve seen a chick flick.  All romance, sometimes partly comedy, these films are part of the reason that people believe what they do about marriage and love today.

They basically repeat this formula:

1. Boy meets girl.
2. Boy falls for girl.
3. Boy pursues girl.
4. Oh, watch out, here comes the plot twist where you think boy and girl will never get together.
5. Boy and girl kiss?and they live happily ever after.

Rinse and repeat.

All throughout this formula will be talk about love, feelings, and how those feelings translate into how this couple should get married.

For so long we?ve been lead to believe that the love that a couple has to have for each other is an emotional type love that it?s overgrown our society, and also lead to the logical end?people that believe they need to get divorced when the emotional feeling wanes.

We all need to be careful to avoid the effect of the chick flick.  Yes they are light and entertaining, and can even make us happy that we are married (if we are!), but the reality is that they are teaching and reinforcing a false premise.

Just like the effect the movie Enchanted had on Jenn Bacak?s daughter, Emma:

So my Emma is watching this movie, with every Disney princess rolled into one personified in this character. (Played very well too!) It starts out as animated, but becomes real life. It’s almost completely about finding true love, "true love’s kiss" which is said about 100 times, dating, and marriage.

I noticed during the movie, Emma was swooning, for lack of a better word.

She was intent on the "true love kisses" and this started the barrage of questions.

Fortunately Jenn had some good answers, but we all need to realize the effect of what we?re taking in, and know what it does to our worldview!

So far, nothing new…

The point is that for any partnership to succeed, both of the people have to be working toward the same goal.? When the two of you were dating, you were both working toward the same goal– the goal of learning about each other and figuring out if the person that you were with was the person you wanted to spend your life with.

When you got married, you both were working together to start a married life together.? You were learning about each other and you were learning how two people live together in the same house.

When you had your first child, you were learning together how to care for that child, and you both showed your love to them.

Now, how do you expect to do all of that, to be together in your goals, dreams and aspirations if you don’t communicate what you are thinking or feeling.

Communication is Key to Growing a Healthy Marriage

I know, no surprise there, right?? But here’s a helpful list of things of how you need to communicate in order to grow together.

1. Communicate How Your Feeling

This is easier for girls than guys, but if you’re not telling each other how your feeling, or how different things are making you feel you are more likely to bottle up hurt inside and you’re not letting your spouse minister to you.

For instance, if you cannot stand that he does not take care of his laundry and leaves his desk or mess, or you just can’t understand why she cannot seem to put the ketchup back in the right spot in the refrigerator, and you do not tell the other person, then the odds are that you will begin to find and internalize other things that will also irritate you.

Now, I’m not saying that you should not learn to deal with your pet peeves, and that she has to do everything just the way that you want her to, but you need to talk through these challenges– if only to see that neither of you are doing something to bug the other one on purpose.

2. Communicate Your Love

When was the last time you told your wife that you love her.? No, not the “I love you” as you raced out the door.? I mean sometime, out of the blue, when it isn’t rehearsed.

If you’re not communicating love both when it’s expected and when it’s not, how can you reinforce that love in return?

This one also encompasses more than just words too– you should be doing things to show your love to them as well.? This serves two purposes, you cannot help but feel more affectionate toward someone that you have to spend time thinking about, and you also will encourage their love because they know that you’re thinking about them!

3. Communicate Your Needs

This is not simply “I need food” or “I need steak”, but this includes those things that you need in order to do what you need efficiently.? This is the area where you talk about what you’re going through at you job, this is where you tell her that you need more times of physical intimacy, or where you tell him that you need his support.

This is where you discuss what needs to happen to the house and the struggles that you’re having.

You are a team with a common end goal, you need to act like it.? This means knowing what the jobs are that are ahead, planning on getting them done, and finding a way to get them accomplished.

4. Communicate Your Dreams

Do you have something you want to do or be?? Is there something you’ve always wanted to see or accomplish?? Inspire your spouse with your thoughts on larger issues.? Don’t be afraid to dream big or be afraid to fail.? There are many opportunities in life that we do not take because we fail to realize the opportunities that are there presenting themselves.

It could be that your spouse has a similar vision, or perhaps he or she can help to prod you to attempt yours.? Who said that it’s better to have tried and failed than to never have tried?? Probably the same guy that said behind every great man there’s a great woman…

5. Communicate Your Fears

Make yourself vulnerable.? If you want to emotionally attach to someone, communicating your fears and failings will do it.? You have to trust someone a lot in order to tell them what’s scaring you or what you’ve done amiss– trust them not to leave you, to support you and still love you.

Many of us wear a mask a lot, so that people only see one part of us.? We worry that if people saw who we really are they would think differently of us, or that we would lose the respect that we work hard to get.

We need to acknowledge our failings and seek help from our spouse to get us through those difficult times.? They are best equipped to help keep us doing what we should.? And doing that keeps us both pulling in the same direction.

Conclusion

So, communicate.? Whether you sit down formally or informally, whether you’re at the table or on the couch, whether it’s with words verbally, with an e-mail or through a hand written letter sprinkled with perfume, don’t neglect the time spent with one another communicating on all different levels, for communication is the lifeblood of any partnership, and it’s important to every marriage.

Part of the problem today with marriage is that it is being devalued by a umber of things, not the least of which is the idea that a couple can get together without being married and have all the ?benefits? of marriage.

While purity is something that should be pursued by both people in a relationship, traditionally the woman has held control over a relationship, insisting on a commitment before providing the companionship.

Children

Let?s face it, women have children, and the best environment for children is with a committed father and mother in the family.? Biology states that women have children, and when you?re in a non-committed relationship, you?re possibly denying your child their father.

Hard to Get

That is why it?s not just a tactic, it?s important for women to play hard to get.? A guy shouldn?t get your emotional or physical love until he?s given you a commitment:

As single women, we need to stop treating men as if they are our husbands.? We are created with a nature that longs to serve and please a man, but when we do this, we take away his desire for a wife.? ? [I]f women are giving men companionship outside of marriage, he will never hunger for female companionship inside of marriage.? Women have the ability to create a void in a man?s life so he will become self-motivated to fill it with the presence of a wife.

? Emotional Purity: An Affair of the Heart

Too often I?ve seen women who long for marriage give companionship?kindness?to a man who they hope will propose only to realize that they are doing effect exactly the opposite.? They are taking away his incentive to commit.

Saving For Tomorrow

It?s hard to wait?we?re programmed and told over and over that we can have what we want when we want it.? The problem is that, whether it?s a car or a husband/wife, seldom is the thing that is right in front of you he best that you can do.? When it comes to debt, yes you can ?have it now?, but you?ll pay double.? Same goes for a marriage or relationship?sure you can have a companion right now, but you may pay much more emotionally and physically if the relationship dissolves because you took Mr. Right Now over Mr. Right.

Marriage is not a contract. It is a covenant, made before God and witnesses. Marriage is not a fuzzy feeling of love. It is a commitment. It is a commitment to build a godly marriage that is a picture to the world of Christ and His bride. It is a commitment to build a family and raise a godly seed. It won?t always be easy. It?s hard work. But we are committed to the task. We take no notice of difficulties. We are not daunted by problems. We keep on with the task, because we are committed to a vision of building a godly generation. We are not concerned only with the present, but with the future, and the generations to come. We have no thought of quitting because we know that it would affect not only our children now, but also the generations to follow. We keep pressing on toward the goal, pushing through the mountains of difficulties, as we trust in our God.

Got any rivers you think are uncrossible?
Got any mountains you can?t tunnel through?
God specializes in things thought impossible!
He can do what no other can do!

God is for your marriage. He will be with you to make it strong and precious. There may be times when the tide goes out on your marriage. When the tide goes out, you see all the ugly things on the beach. When the tide goes out on your marriage, the ugly things loom large. But don?t despair. Don?t look at the rubbish. Look to the Lord. There is a divine law I want to remind you about. The tide ALWAYS COMES IN AGAIN! If you are going through a tough time, hang on to God. The tide will come in again with love and blessing and reconciliation.

~Nancy Campbell~

Keep your marriage and your home a pure place for the habitation of the Lord. Don?t allow the filth of the world to creep in. It can happen so easily. Don?t watch immoral movies together. You?ll have a limited selection, but be strong about this. When you sit and watch immorality and filth, you condone it, you deaden your conscience, you negatively affect your marriage and you defile your home. Oh, one of the saddest things I hear from wives as I speak to them all over the country is the grief and lament that their husbands are glued to the TV and many of them are involved in pornography. Oh how I grieve. Pornography is destroying thousands of marriages.

Keep your marriage bed holy. Just because you are married does not give you license to do kinky things. True intimacy in the sexual act can be gloriously satisfying without trying other things. I like this statement from Matthew Henry. “Those who keep themselves pure in times of common impurity, God will keep safe in times of common calamity.”

Don?t bring death to your bed. Most contraceptives either kill newly formed life, or kill the sperm that holds the potential of future life. The Pill, IUD, Depo-Provera, and Norplant are all abortifacients. They cause the death of a newly formed human being. Keep your bed holy.

Ezekiel 44:23 says, “And they shall teach my people the difference between the holy and profane, and cause them to discern between the unclean and the clean.”

~Nancy Campbell~

None of us are exempt from trials. We all face hard times in our marriages. What do you do? Grumble and groan? Complain and criticize? Talk negatively and nastily. Oh it is so easy to do this, because this is how we feel. But here?s the secret. Take it to the Lord in prayer. Thank Him. Trust Him. All your groaning and blaming one another will not solve the problem. God is your Deliverer! You can trust Him. Learn to hang on to God and look to Him as your source. Don?t trust in your husband?s ability alone, but in the Lord.

Make it your habit to pray and praise the Lord together daily. If you pray daily together, you?ll keep free from “the little foxes that spoil the vines” that eat away at your marriage. Make your home a house of prayer and thanksgiving. Matthew 18:19 is a wonderful promise for married couples. “If two of you shall agree on earth as touching anything that they shall ask, it shall be done for them of my Father which is in heaven.” Notice these words ? “If two of you?” The two of you together can claim great power and miracles in your relationship and in your home as you faithfully pray together.

And never forget the exhortation in Ephesians 4:26, “Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.” If you have an argument or get upset with one another, don?t act like a baby and put on the silent treatment. Sort it out. Say “I?m sorry.” Forgive one another. Never go to sleep until you have restored the relationship. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.

~Nancy Campbell~

Ouch! This is a challenge to me. If I start to get a little harsh, Colin will say, “Come on, Darling, be sweet to me.” And I do have to be reminded! But he never lets me get away with sharp words. He always pulls me up to be gentle and sweet.

How do you sweeten your marriage? With words – sweet words, soft words, encouraging words, cheerful words, positive words, helpful words, supportive words, kind words, wise words, forgiving words, loving words, pleasant words and life-giving words. You can?t miss having a successful marriage if you put this secret into practice!

I am always challenged by Song of Solomon 4:11 where the Bridegroom speaks to the bride and says, “Thy lips, O my spouse, drop as the honeycomb: honey and milk are under thy tongue.” What drips from the honeycomb? Sweetness! What kind of words drip from your tongue?

A dear friend called in this morning and shared this quote with me: “People turn their best side out: they are delightful in company, but snarly at home. There they give vent to their dissatisfaction, their temper, their grouch. They are scent-bottles abroad, vinegar-bottles at home? To be a Christian at home one must learn to ?keep sweet?.”

Your words will gradually kill your marriage or they can keep it alive with love. It?s your choice. Proverbs 18:21.

~Nancy Campbell~

This is meant to be a time of sharing my secrets. Can I share with you what I believe is one of the most destructive forces in a marriage? It is the sin of selfishness! The secret of a successful marriage is selflessness and serving. If you are trying to get something out of your marriage for yourself, you will never be satisfied. It doesn?t work that way. Forget about yourself and think of all the ways you can serve and satisfy your husband. This will bring you joy and freedom. This will release your husband to love you. Even Jesus, the Son of God, did not come to be served but to serve. He was our example. Read Philippians 2:6-8.

Stamp on all the works of the flesh that poke their way up in your life – your self-pitying, self-centered, self-gratifying, self-serving, self-pleasing, self-opinionated self! They destroy the marriage.

Marriage seminars are good. Marriage counseling is good. But they are not the total answer. I know couples that have been to loads of marriage seminars and still have problems in their marriage. All you need to do is forget about self, start serving and your problems will disappear!

Make your home a refuge where your husband can find peace and harmony from the strife of the workplace. Daily prepare a nutritious and appetizing meal for him. There is nothing more soothing than coming home to find the table set nicely, the meal ready with delicious smells floating from the kitchen, a peaceful atmosphere, and everyone ready to sit down to the evening meal.

~Nancy Campbell~

Last Monday marked the seventh year my wife and I have been married, and on that day one of my coworkers and I had an interesting conversation.  He said that he believed that seven was a big year inasmuch as it would indicate how well a marriage could survive.

Then he said that it was only seven years that he and the mother of his children were able to stay together.

The statistics for divorce are incredible?and very sad.  What?s more, it says something about the way that we approach commitments and, in turn, the way that our children will approach commitments.

There are times in every marriage where it?s best to get outside help?especially before it gets to the point of separation.  Usually at that point the bitterness and resentment have built up to the point that it may be too late.  It is at the beginning of tension that I recommend going to your Pastor or a Marriage Counselor.

Marriage Family Counseling is not as bad as it seems.  It?s certainly better than the alternative.  Most of the time it consists of taking the approach of having someone look at the situation from the outside with an unbiased and objective look, and then recommending changes.

Yes, changes.  You see, I don?t know that I?ve ever seen a conflict where both sides were not in the wrong somewhere.  Either communication, actions, anger, or something else exists on both sides, and mending the relationship will take both sides admitting their problems and working on them.

There are also programs like How to Save Your Marriage and Marriage Conferences that will let you take time to get alone with your spouse and work through any lingering issues that the two of you may have.

You?ve invested too long in your marriage?even if you?re a newlywed?to let it fall away.  Treat it with more care than you would give your relationship with your friends or children, and prioritize keeping that relationship as strong as it can be.

I had been following Ashley, a 20 year old SAHM from PA, for at least a month.  Her blog “Help Meet In Training” discussed her life, her Christianity and her desire to be a good helpmeet to her husband.

And then the unthinkable happened.  She announced on April 20th that she was shutting down her blog.  Why?  Marital infidelity.

She has two children (2, 1) and she’s expecting her third in December.  She’s closed down her comments, and I doubt she’ll come back to check, but she could certainly use our prayers.  I don’t know how you would deal with something like this– where you put all your energy into being the best you can for the other person only to be stabbed in the back.

Words cannot express the heartache I feel for this woman.  Pray that our Heavenly Father can touch that heart, mend it, and make it whole.  Also pray that someone will reach out to this family.