If you’re a girl, or you’ve dated a girl, no doubt you’ve seen a chick flick.  All romance, sometimes partly comedy, these films are part of the reason that people believe what they do about marriage and love today.

They basically repeat this formula:

1. Boy meets girl.
2. Boy falls for girl.
3. Boy pursues girl.
4. Oh, watch out, here comes the plot twist where you think boy and girl will never get together.
5. Boy and girl kiss—and they live happily ever after.

Rinse and repeat.

All throughout this formula will be talk about love, feelings, and how those feelings translate into how this couple should get married.

For so long we’ve been lead to believe that the love that a couple has to have for each other is an emotional type love that it’s overgrown our society, and also lead to the logical end—people that believe they need to get divorced when the emotional feeling wanes.

We all need to be careful to avoid the effect of the chick flick.  Yes they are light and entertaining, and can even make us happy that we are married (if we are!), but the reality is that they are teaching and reinforcing a false premise.

Just like the effect the movie Enchanted had on Jenn Bacak’s daughter, Emma:

So my Emma is watching this movie, with every Disney princess rolled into one personified in this character. (Played very well too!) It starts out as animated, but becomes real life. It’s almost completely about finding true love, "true love’s kiss" which is said about 100 times, dating, and marriage.

I noticed during the movie, Emma was swooning, for lack of a better word.

She was intent on the "true love kisses" and this started the barrage of questions.

Fortunately Jenn had some good answers, but we all need to realize the effect of what we’re taking in, and know what it does to our worldview!

“I love you.” 

“143.”

“I heart you.”

All different ways to say something that shares your feelings, and yet we need actions to back them up—we need to show our love, and not just say it.  Sure, anyone can say it with flowers or chocolates, but how about saying it with your whole being?

First 5

6. Love When No One Else is Watching

It’s easy to show love in front of others because it is to our own personal gain.  Whether it’s so that people believe that a marriage in trouble is just fine, you’re showing a united front, or someone in front of you just showed love, when others are watching you and they can see what you are doing you can get a pat on the back for doing a good job.

However, when you take the time to show your love behind the scenes—the lunch that he’d have to make, the dishes she’d have to do—you are saying I love you to them in ways that touch them deeper than you know.

7. Speak Positively of Them

We all know the circumstances.  People are away from their husband or wife and they decide to tell the juicy tidbit of how their spouse failed.  They are all set to tell how their wife never lets them do anything or their husband just loafs around the house.

What they don’t realize, however, is that this kind of talk influences how people look at the missing person, and can actually hurt that spouse.  Not only does it rehearse the things that we shouldn’t be thinking about our loved one (because we are a product of what we think and what we do), but it hurts other people’s opinion of that person.

To that end, we should make sure that our communication in the presence of others always seeks to build up the people we love, not tear them down.

8. Take Out the Garbage

No, I’m not talking about that garbage.  I’m talking about the garbage in your mind.  Many of us carry the equivalent of garbage about certain loved ones in our minds.  We have mental (or in some cases physical) lists of where they’ve failed and how much it hurt.  We keep track of things that they’ve said or done, even after they’ve asked forgiveness.

We allow this garbage to build, and to be used time and again in fights or future conflicts, and this garbage belonged long disposed of and replaced with positive thoughts and encouragement.

Nothing says I love you like not keeping track of wrongs.

9. Look Forward to Their Arrival

Time apart is something that no couple wants but all couples must face.  Whether it’s the dating couple that says good-bye after a great night out together or the couple that has to say good-bye for work reasons, couples are usually not together every day for twenty-four hours.  That being said, it’s important to make sure that you consciously look forward to their return.  That you make sure that you anticipate it, and that your loved one knows that you missed them.

10. Take Time to Prepare Yourself For Them

Kristin said it best on this post when she said:

I think a lot of women underestimate how much men appreciate their wife always appearing presentable. My older sister and her husband have been married for over seven years (since she was 20 and he was 19) and despite having three children she still takes the time to dress nicely, do her makeup and hair, and wear perfume every day even if she isn’t leaving the house. Just by doing these simple things she can let her husband know that he is the reason she wants to look beautiful, not for anyone else.

Love says that you’re the most important person in my life—not anyone else—and I want to show it.

But you can show that you love someone without saying it, and sometimes that vivid illustration can say what words cannot.

1. Submitting to the Other

One of the things that will show your love like nothing else is by putting aside your desires for theirs.  I’m not saying that you need to be a slave to someone, but when you’re in love and showing it, you will naturally find that you’re willing to do whatever the other person wants to do—you just want to be with them no matter what.

What comes so easy when you’re dating or courting should also be something that you work on and practice in marriage, so that your let the person that you love know that being with them is more important than getting your own way.

2. Thinking of Them

When you were dating, or if you’re still dating, your lover is always on your mind.  You’re thinking about the next time you’ll be together.  You’re pondering what they’re doing or wearing.  You’re hoping that they’ll call.

This is when you should write down something to show them later, or you should give them a call, drop them an e-mail or send a text.  You’re thinking about them, and I’m sure they’ll be happy to know it.

3. Be There in the Tough Times

It’s easy to be around when things are going well.  It’s hard to be with people when they’re making you mad or they are going through difficult times.  It is in these tough times that you can show your love more powerfully than at any other time in your relationship.  It is during these difficult times that you show them that they are more than the happiness that they bring you—they are someone that you truly love.

4. Share Your True Self

Many of us are adept at playing the hypocrite.  No, I’m not calling everyone a liar, but what I am saying is that we all wear masks—the thickest we wear is the one that many of us wear to church.

The longer that you’ve been in a relationship with someone, the thinner the mask is between you and them—because they see you even when you’re tired out.  However, even in this case, it’s rare that someone shows who they truly are, and what they truly struggle with.

If you’re able to share with your lover who you truly are, and they know what you’re doing, they will know that you truly love and trust them.

5. Sacrifice

This kinda goes along with #1, but is slightly different.  Whereas submission chooses to do something that someone else wants, sacrifice takes something that you want and, knowing that you both can’t have it, gives it up for the good of the other person.

If you can do this without calling attention to the fact that you’re doing it, then you’ve truly shown love indeed—for true love doesn’t call attention to oneself, but seeks the best for someone else.

Part 2 tomorrow…

In Meg Meeker’s book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, our author about how a daughter’s first love is her father.

She details five different ways that you can show your love to your daughter (and I would argue that this could apply to your wife, as well as to your boys).

Words

Especially when it comes to your daughters, fathers need to learn to talk.  They do not know what you’re thinking, and sometimes they are wondering.  The best way for anyone to find out what another is thinking is through talking.  We especially need to make sure that our children (and I would argue our spouse!) hear we say that we love them regularly,

Fences

We need to make sure that we build appropriate fences around our children.  We know what is safe for them and what is not.  Having a fence in place means, to the child, that someone cares.  Modern parenting would say that you should let the child be free to do whatever they desire, but it is detrimental and shows actually the opposite of what we want to say.  It tells them that we’re ambivalent to what they do.

We talked about how difficult it is for parents to be realistic about their own children.  Because we want them to make good decisions, we assume they will.  We want to believe our kids are stronger, more mature, and better capable of handling situations than other kids.  And that’s when mistakes happen.

Silence

Just like you need to make sure that you talk with your daughter, you also have to make sure that you pay attention to what they have to say.  This is important for your relationship with everyone in your house.  If they have something to say, turn off that television, turn to look at them, don’t day dream, and listen.  Even if it seems silly, or is just a young child telling you about his/her day– pay attention!

Time

We need to make sure to spend time with our children.  Dr. Meeker suggests having one-on-one time with your daughter as a time of bonding.  It doesn’t have to be a stressful time, just a time when you and her do something together.  A time of bonding and doing fun things together.  We need to make sure our kids get the attention they need.

Will

Love is, at the root, a choice, a decision we make.

If human love does not carry a man beyond himself, it is not love.  If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculating, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all.  It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it. – Oswald Chambers

Love faces down the tough times, and persists anyway.  Love sees the hard circumstances, and reacts with compassion.  Love perseveres in the face of trial.

Making a Difference

These five different ways of impacting your daughter will help her to be more well rounded and protect her from many of the things that are going on in her peer group.  They will give her guidelines and show your love for her.

It’s a lot of work, but who ever said parenting was easy?

The Complete Husband
By Lou Priolo

Love is more than a feeling, it’s a choice.  When you took your vow to love your wife, you did not vow that you would have the feeling of love until death, but that you would choose to love her until death.

This choice means that you would prefer her over all others, and it means that whether it was easy or whether it was hard you would still choose to love her.

That is why there are 7 things that you may not do when she sins against you:

1. You may not retreat.
2. You may not surrender.
3. You may not give up.
4. You may not throw in the towel.
5. You may not wimp out.
6. You may not allow her evil to prevail against you.
7. You may not allow her sin against you to provoke you to sin against her.

The problem is that none of these are easy.  When we get into a fight with our spouse, when relations are tough it’s a whole lot easier to let the whole situation alone, batten down the hatches, and wait for the storm to blow over.

That’s not biblical.

As a bonus, here’s 8 symptoms of battle fatigue that will show you that you’ve been overcome by evil instead of overcoming evil:

1. Telling yourself things like, “She’ll never change,” or, “I just can’t live with this woman any longer.”
2. Permitting yourself to become bitter at her.
3. Relinquishing your spiritual leadership (“After all, she won’t let me lead anyway”).
4. Unnecessarily limiting the scope of communication with her because of unsuccessful attempts to resolve conflicts in the past.
5. Allowing anger to keep you from confronting her biblically.
6. Allowing yourself to become sinfully angry, anxious or depressed about the hurtful things she does to you.
7. Allowing your “hurt feelings” to keep you from fulfilling your biblical responsibilities as a husband and/or father.
8. Resorting to sinful, retaliatory actions such as: gossip, withdrawal, slander, name calling, pouting, temper tantrums, sulking, threatening, quarreling, abusive speech.

In our next installment, we’ll take a look at some of these, and ways that we can effectively deal with a breakdown in communication.

My oldest is growing into liking to do crafts– whether it’s pipe cleaners or paper, every week when he gets home from church his paper has a new idea he wants to try.  And the names he gives things!

In any case, his latest thing is that he is going to make a paper sword because the pipe cleaner swords that he made keep falling apart.

What I love is the fact that he’s thinking of his brother, and not himself.  He knows that this is a special day for his brother, and wants to give a gift.  It’s that small thing that counts– the small thing that he wants to do to show his brother his love.

Oh, I still drink coffee every morning just as part of the routine (a readily available brand that won’t break the budget), but when I go out for coffee, it’s not just to get coffee, but to enjoy the aroma of the coffee shop, the small tables set up for intimate conversation, and the handful of other folks who are enjoying the experience as much as I.

While the coffee is often too strong at the local coffee shop, I’ve learned that two packs of Sugar in the Raw and a pretty decent serving of half and half will do the trick and gives me a treat that I don’t indulge in at home, where my coffee of choice is generally just black.

For my husband, however, going out for coffee does not have the same appeal. Although he is learning to appreciate the difference between store brands and freshly roasted coffee, he is just as happy most of the time with staying home and brewing Seattle’s Best in our coffee maker and sitting on the front porch as we drink every lost drop.

I know it seems like a very silly thing to get exicted about and to feel loved because of, but on those rare occasions when my husband wakes up on Friday or Saturday morning and says “Let’s go out for coffee and read the newspaper there,” I think that he truly, truly loves me. There is more to this gesture than just saying, “Let’s go somewhere,” because if he just wanted to go somewhere with me it would be hiking or fishing or golfing or some other activity that he really enjoys.

But when he says, “Let’s go out for coffee,” I know that he’s suggesting it because he loves me and because he knows how much I enjoy the experience and how good it makes me feel to savor a cup of coffee that’s a little too strong unless it has just the right amount of cream and sugar.

One of the most difficult things, I think, to remember to do is to always remember why you are disciplining your child– the end goal– and try your hardest not to get caught up “in the moment.” 

To that end, I suggested that you plan what the punishment for a particular “crime” will be before you get in the situation, and that you also enforce your requests.  The last thing that a child needs it to wonder if mom or dad “really mean it this time…”

As I was reading around the net, I found The Queen posted how I felt with Biblical responses.  Especially the first couple:

I say: “Lord, all they do is fight and grumble.”
He says: “A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.” Prov 15:18

I say “But Lord, there are SO many quarrels.”
He says “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Prov 15:1

I say: “Okay Lord but I get so angry and I lose it and I can’t help it…”
He says: “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.” Prov 14:1

So take heart, mom and dad.  God never asks us to do something that He will not also provide the strength with which to do it.  Rest in Him.  Pray to Him.  Rely on Him.

I was reminded, reading Anna’s post on Daily Devotions, just how important it is to get into a routine, not just because I want to do it in a wrote way, but because I need my relationship with Him to be more important than any other relationship in my life:

Reading the Bible and praying are two of the most important disciplines in a Christian’s life. They are difficult for a lot of us to maintain regularly, I know. Yet they are so important. If I want to build my life on a foundation of the Word, then I have to read the Word. And if I am going to build my life on a foundation of prayer, then I have to make time to actually pray.

My wife and I have been (off and on) working through the Experiencing God workbook, though I did read through Hebrews 3 times (I have to get back to that!) which I know some of you were doing with me though my other blog.

How about you?  What do you do for devotions?  If you’re doing Hebrews with me, how far are you?

Hubby’s and my love languages are very different.  And I’m no good at speaking his love language: Acts of Service.  A little brainstorming is in order:  How do I show love to my husband when I’m terrible at serving him?

My thoughts are below.  What ideas can you give me?

Food

The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, right?  Maybe I should focus on having a hot meal prepared for him when he gets home from work.  This will take some creativity since I generally pick him up from work.  It’ll have to be something I can cook quickly or that reheats well.

Cleanliness

Staying current on housework, providing a calm, organized environment for him will not only show him love, but will help me feel more collected.  Any tips on getting and staying organized with space?  I’m no good at the “a place for everything and everything in its place” principle.

Sacrificial Giving

I can’t stand tattoos.  I don’t think there’s anything wrong with them, they’re just not very attractive.  But hubby wants a tattoo so badly.  For Christmas, I got him a gift card to a tattoo parlor.  This is one example, but I can’t think of any other bits of sacrificial giving, can anyone help me?

This is about as much as I can think of when it comes to serving my husband, but I know there has to be more to it.  Any other ideas when it comes to service?  Thanks, everyone!