Lenore Skenazy did the same in New York City.

In letting her son find his way home (a 45 minute adventure) with $20, a map, and the general direction, this author gave her son self confidence– the ability to feel grown-up.  She also gave herself (unknowingly, we’re lead to believe) a lot of press coverage.

Who would let their kid go on the subway alone?  Who would let the child out of their site?  Isn’t this neglect?

I’ve been thinking through this phenomenon a lot lately as I ponder my children growing up.  I sit down and talk with the older generation and I hear stories of people in my hometown  leaving their children in their baby carriages while going in to the supermarket to shop.

My dad would leave home in the morning, go off to find friends, and perhaps not return until the streetlights came on.  The baseball field was at the other end of town.  Even in my own childhood, my neighbor would leave home (perhaps telling his parents where he was going), but come over to my house to spend the day, and we’d be out bike riding until his father whistled him home at night.

Today, there’s not much time that my kids aren’t in my or my wife’s sight.

The upshot: Drive through most suburban streets and it’s as if the kids have been vacuumed up with the lawn trimmings. How did this happen? How did it become too scary to let kids be kids?

“TV,” says Trevor Butterworth, an editor at the media watchdog group stats.org. “Cable TV exists to scare the pants off you.” That’s how it gets you to stay tuned. And what is scarier than a kidnapped kid-no matter how far away?

Thanks to a steady stream of those stories, it starts to feel as if kidnappings are happening all the time, on a Schwinn near you. But they’re not, says David Finkelhor, director of the Crimes Against Children Research Center at the University of New Hampshire. “Crimes against kids are down to levels we haven’t seen since the early ’70s.”

“‘Stranger danger’ cases are the ones that make the big headlines,” says Corwin Ritchie, executive director of the Iowa County Attorneys Association. “But that’s not the typical child-abuse case. The typical case involves an acquaintance of the child.”

The fact is, children are 40 times more likely to die in a car accident, and that doesn’t stop us from driving them to karate. Car accidents, after all, are still considered exactly that-accidents. But we blame parents, the way we used to blame rape victims, for “letting” anything happen to their children. If tragedy ever befell our child, we wouldn’t just be heartbroken. We all know we’d be there on CNN with a pseudo- sympathetic host asking, “Why? Why did you let her scooter to her piano lesson?” And then they’d cut to a commercial to build the tension.

The only flaw I can see in this reporting is causality.  Are crimes down to levels since the early ’70s because we’re keeping our kids closer?  And if so, doesn’t this make the opposite point of the article?

In any case, the problem is that though our children may be “40 times more likely to die in a car accident”, it’s hard to justify letting them be the one statistic– the one that’s kidnapped– when you have the ability to stop it.

Somewhere in there’s a healthy balance.  We just need to find it.

My wife really likes hard wood.  I believe I prefer carpet, especially when children are learning to walk.  However, hard wood is easier to clean, and it does have a bright appeal.  When we re-carpeted one of the rooms we noticed that there was hard wood underneath, and for some time we wondered if the same was true throughout the house.  So, Saturday, we decided to find out.

Sure enough, we tore up a corner and there was beautiful hard wood.  Tearing up more revealed not as good of a condition and a weird wooden grate that must have been part of the original heating system of the house– at least, that’s the only sense we can make out of it.  We got the carpet and pad out, cut it (since it goes into the living room and we weren’t ready to take it all out yet), and put it outside.

The the kids woke up.

Now, we’ve worked hard to get them ready for the idea of a new house, and they started to really like the idea of a new floor– until Sunday night when my oldest told me that he didn’t want me to take up the Living Room floor because he liked the carpet and it would make him cry.  Tonight, he started balling when I told him I was going to take the trash out because he didn’t want the old carpet to go.  He said he would miss it.

This is totally foreign to my wife, who embraces and desires change.  I can sympathize because I’m at best ambivalent, and I need to think of how it will be better because I also trend toward memories and nostalgia.

But as I got to thinking, it’s really a reflection of how people are.  People generally don’t react well to change.  They like to know where things are, what things are, and what they can count on.  Whether it’s computer programs or coworkers, there are times when things change and we can have a hard time adapting, a hard time knowing what is going on, and we can begin to doubt what’s going on around us.

It’s at this time that we need to rely on God, we need to look to His immutability (that He doesn’t change) and rest in His love and care.

So, two things to take away from this:

1. Don’t make drastic changes to the house without letting the kids know what you’re doing.
2. To stop them from crying and “missing” the carpet, offer to let them help pick out the new throw rug.

Just don’t tell my wife that he’s hoping for a red rug with Spiderman on it.

As parents we need to make sure we stop frequently to really connect with our kids. It’s not enough to make sure they’re in the right schools, on the right athletic teams, and going to the right church activities. Kids crave interaction and attention from their parents, even if they don’t act like it.

When I was about 12, my mom mastered the art of connecting with her children. Every day when I arrived home from school, she’d have a glass of iced tea and a plate of cookies waiting for me. I’d walk in the door, drop my backpack, and head straight for the kitchen table. My mom would sit down with me and ask me about my day as I refueled for the afternoon.

Looking back, we didn’t spend hours talking. We spent maybe 10-15 minutes chatting over iced tea and cookies. But it was 10-15 minutes every single day that I had my mom’s undivided attention. And during those early middle school years, I learned that I could talk to my mom. That set the stage for the tumultuous high school years. When I was having problems, I knew I could talk to my mom, often over iced tea and cookies.

Parents, I urge you to set up some sort of routine to make sure you spend time with each of your children every day. Make sure they get some undivided attention from you while they’re young. It will help them feel secure. It will make them feel special and loved. And it will help open the lines of communication while they’re young, so talking to you is a habit when they’re older.

Photo by M Shades.

I think sometimes organized activities take away more than they give. In making each moment count for something, we lose track of what’s sacred. We fill our lives and our minds, but what about our souls? Sometimes you have to have *time* to stop, in order to recapture the magic of “appreciating the ordinary”.

Here are some places to start, a word of warning though: Plans very often need adjusted, and sometimes the best memories are messy.

1. Pack a picnic lunch and explore up a new place in which to enjoy it. My girls and I will never forget the rainy day in which we packed lunch to a favorite park. Our intention was to enjoy it from the refuge of the park’s tee-pee, but sadly, the tee-pee wasn’t leak proof. So we improvised. Just up the hill from the park is an old cabin with a covered porch. We spread our blanket out on the porch and enjoyed being the only ones out on such a day…
2. Surprise! Do something spontaneous, such as loading everyone up in their pajamas for an evening run to get ice-cream.
3. Never underestimate the thrill of baking. Have fun making individual pizzas, letting each child personalize their own according to size, shape and toppings. Or translate this same activity to sugar cookies. Make sure you have an abundance of *cool* sprinkles and two or three frosting choices! And don’t forget the simple joys…children love to flip pancakes, crack eggs and stir up ingredients.
4. Play “pillow fairy”…this is especially fun for little ones who haven’t yet lost any teeth for the tooth fairy to collect. Slip something special under their pillow as they sleep, something “just because”… One thing we’ve done, is to stuff something in an unfilled balloon, such as a “coupon” for an ice cream cone with mom, a trip to daddy’s job, or a dollar bill. For extra mileage, write something on the balloon with marker. Then your child has to blow up the balloon, read what’s written on the outside and then keep blowing till it pops and they can collect their “coupon”.
5. Have a tea party. Go all out. Use the china and sugar cubes, speak with a British accent, and wear dress-up clothes. This is a good time to introduce your children to the delicacies of scones with Devonshire cream, not to mention a great time to practice “high-society” manners! (FYI, some of our favorite tea party sides have simply been grapes and pb&j!)
6. Home-made picture place mats–An especially memorable craft. These become keepsakes, to be used for years. Our girls each have one that features pictures of them and their siblings, as well as favorite pets. Use colored poster board and mod-podge the pictures, as well as card stock letterings and other scrap-booking type things of interest to your child. I wrote a poem for each of our girls, along similar lines, but unique to them and their gifts they bring to our family… To finish this project, have it laminated at your local office supply store, or seal it between pieces of clear Contact paper.
7. Make a special “book on tape” for your children. Once when I knew I was going to be gone overnight, I tape recorded myself reading several library books that I’d especially hand-picked, knowing they’d be favorites. Of course, this was all very hush-hush, and I left it in a basket of other goodies for them to discover and enjoy while I was gone. They wore that tape out…
8. Celebrate half-birthdays. These can be especially nice for children with birthdays coinciding with big holidays. Keep it a family-only celebration and brainstorm ways to expand on the “half” theme…make “half” a cake, with “half” the candles, give silly half presents, such as one sibling giving half of a pair of gloves and the other sibling giving its match…
9. Favorite places. Every property should have a “favorite place”. My oldest can describe hers perfectly. It’s up on the hill behind our home, by a large flat rock and a lone pine tree. She loves to disappear up there on beautiful days, with a drawing pad and a blanket to spread on the ground. Devote some time to creating special places, indoor and out, with your children. Then sometimes send them on treasure hunts that end up at that special place…with a bouquet of sharpened colored pencils or some such treat awaiting them there of course!
10. Build a bonfire. If you’re in the city or under other fire code restrictions, use your BBQ grill or fireplace/fire pit, or drive to the lake…in any case, build a small campfire and sit around it sipping hot chocolate and roasting marshmallows. Sing songs and tell favorite stories from your childhood. Laugh and be silly. Be refreshed and warm-hearted, just make sure you have sweaters to go around, because the fun will long outlast the sun…

Make the time to nurture. In this materialistic world of ours, nurturing has become an invisible, unpopular ideal. We all want to be productive and well-organized, but at what cost? It might mean staying up later at night to finally get the laundry put away, or the bookwork done, but the trade-off? Our children’s assurance that they fill our hearts, have captured our attention, that we love them and savor all time spent with them.

They won’t be children forever.

Their favorite? Gifts, of course!

These gifts, however, are not generally items that you could find in a store. In fact, it is rare that they have any real material value. A lump of coal or interesting rock found while walking the tracks, a menu from the restaurant he ate breakfast at, a brochure from the hotel, a map, a penny, and a walnut have all become treasured possessions. While they are frequent, they are not quite routine…and my husband does not even necessarily bring something for each child when he does bring something home. Our oldest stores away her treasures, as she calls them, to draw out when she misses her father. The younger ones tend to drag them around until they are worn to nothing or finally lost, which has been the fate of all of the postcards he has sent thus far. So much for the album I was trying to make for them!

These simple gifts do not represent anything of material value. Instead, they demonstrate that their father thinks of them while he is away in a very tangible way. And while they cannot give him a hug every day, they can clasp a walnut, flip a coin or recite the lines off the back of a postcard while they wait for his next phone call.

Children truly are a blessing.  They fill your life in so many ways. They make you smile, and they truly love you no matter what.

The problem is that they can also drive you crazy!

Yes, we all love them, but that doesn’t mean that they have to be with us every moment of every day, and so here are 7 reasons that you need a date without kids:

7. You think that Chicken Nuggets are Gourmet Food.

If it’s been a long time since the last time you were out without kids, you may notice that there are more things on the menu than hot dogs, hamburgers and chicken nuggets. There are so many great things to taste and eat that this is a good reason to find a sitter and leave the kids at home.

6. All of your Conversation Topics center on Your Children

Have you lost your identity since you had children? This is very often the case. We get wrapped up in what Susie or Johnnie did or didn’t do, how many words they can spell, and how many teeth they’ve lost that we lose sight of those things that we enjoyed when we were first married. Figuring out who you are only after your kids are gone can result in scary results!

5. Your life Revolves around Two or Three Places.

If you’re like a lot of parents of small children (I raise my hand here too!), then you probably find that most of your week revolves around your home, your work, and your church. Going to the grocery store is now considered an outing, and visiting family substitutes for cultural enrichment. The problem is that a lot of the places that you could go, you aren’t able to because of nap times, bed times, feeding times, or whining children.

4. You don’t know what you’d do on a Night By Yourselves.

This is a big sign that you need a night out– alone. How many times have you asked your spouse “what do you want to do tonight” and they don’t have answer… or it’s the same thing you always do? When’s the last time that you tried something new or different? Why do you let the children be an excuse?

3. You need better communication.

This goes along with your conversation topics, but when’s the last time that you actually tried to get to know one another? How easy is it to grow to love and know your spouse better when Sally’s asking you for the salt over and over again. Taking time away from television and spending quality time with your spouse can only make your marriage better.

2. Your Family is only as strong as your Relationship with your Spouse.

Your kids are not only learning how to be a good future marriage partner from you– they’re also directly effected by how you show love to your spouse. If your spouse is having a bad day and you bridge the gap– that’s a direct effect. If you love your spouse with an active love, it will shine through and you’ll see it in your children.

1. There are just Some Things You Can’t do While they’re around.

And sometimes, after they’ve gone to bed you’re just too tired. Enough said.