The truth is that many modern parents really believe what they think about their child is real– they really are the cutest, the smartest, and the best at everything they do.? That’s why they attribute failure to bad luck.

The truth is that if we want well rounded children, we need to realize that they need to be firmly grounded in reality– knowing who they are, what they are good at, but realizing that there’s more to the world than just them.

When family activities revolve around what we believe our kids “need” or “want” in order to feel better about themselves, we drive them to be self-centered.

Pride is the result

Teaching Humility

But how do you go about teaching humility?? By modeling it– so says Dr. Meg Meeker in her book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters.? Our kids need to see in us that we understand that the world is bigger than us.? Compared to God, we’re but dust, we are worth something because He loves us.

If a daughter is grounded in humility, she will have a proper (not inflated) view of herself.? She will be more content, and not need the things of this world in order to feel pretty, smart, etc.? She won’t have to be the best, because she will? know who she is.

This is the opposite of the teaching of building self-esteem, this is building self-awareness.? This is building in our children the ability to understand who they are, what their position is in the grand scheme of things, and that they are not the center of the Universe.

When we, as parents, put others first, when we treat others with respect, and when we show that the world does not revolve around us, we have taken a big step in helping our children to do the same.? When we refuse to make our children the center of our universe, we’ve taken another step.

Humility as a Guide

The neat thing about humility is that it will be an excellent guide.? Those that truly pursue their own happiness, or self-indulgence, as their chief goal will find it empty.? They will always be after more, as lust gradually increases.? They will need more stimulation to get the same hit, and be willing to chase happiness and find it wherever they can.

Humility will look to others first.? Because it’s outward focused (either on God or others) it will help your daughter to see that she really is but a small part of a bigger story– and something great will come if only she’ll be able to deny the immediate for the long term.

A Example from Christ

There’s a reason that the story of Jesus is so powerful.? In Philippians 2 we read that Jesus humbled himself to come in human form to die on the cross.? He was willing to set aside His personal happiness to come to Earth to die.? Not something I think the God of the Universe would find enjoyable.

He chose to set aside His glory for the greater glory to come.

It is that humility that we want our children to show– the self sacrificing glory.? The kind that looks at what pleasure may offer in the short term, but looks at the long term implications and says no.? The type that can see through the marketing and the hype, and realize that, in the grand scheme of things, it really isn’t worth it.

It’s a hard lesson.? Especially when everyone from the government to the local burger chain wants you to “have it your way” and make sure that you’re happy.

But it’s worth it.? It’s worth it for you to humble? yourself to give your children the right way to view life.

In Meg Meeker’s book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, our author about how a daughter’s first love is her father.

She details five different ways that you can show your love to your daughter (and I would argue that this could apply to your wife, as well as to your boys).

Words

Especially when it comes to your daughters, fathers need to learn to talk.? They do not know what you’re thinking, and sometimes they are wondering.? The best way for anyone to find out what another is thinking is through talking.? We especially need to make sure that our children (and I would argue our spouse!) hear we say that we love them regularly,

Fences

We need to make sure that we build appropriate fences around our children.? We know what is safe for them and what is not.? Having a fence in place means, to the child, that someone cares.? Modern parenting would say that you should let the child be free to do whatever they desire, but it is detrimental and shows actually the opposite of what we want to say.? It tells them that we’re ambivalent to what they do.

We talked about how difficult it is for parents to be realistic about their own children.? Because we want them to make good decisions, we assume they will.? We want to believe our kids are stronger, more mature, and better capable of handling situations than other kids.? And that’s when mistakes happen.

Silence

Just like you need to make sure that you talk with your daughter, you also have to make sure that you pay attention to what they have to say.? This is important for your relationship with everyone in your house.? If they have something to say, turn off that television, turn to look at them, don’t day dream, and listen.? Even if it seems silly, or is just a young child telling you about his/her day– pay attention!

Time

We need to make sure to spend time with our children.? Dr. Meeker suggests having one-on-one time with your daughter as a time of bonding.? It doesn’t have to be a stressful time, just a time when you and her do something together.? A time of bonding and doing fun things together.? We need to make sure our kids get the attention they need.

Will

Love is, at the root, a choice, a decision we make.

If human love does not carry a man beyond himself, it is not love.? If love is always discreet, always wise, always sensible and calculating, never carried beyond itself, it is not love at all.? It may be affection, it may be warmth of feeling, but it has not the true nature of love in it. – Oswald Chambers

Love faces down the tough times, and persists anyway.? Love sees the hard circumstances, and reacts with compassion.? Love perseveres in the face of trial.

Making a Difference

These five different ways of impacting your daughter will help her to be more well rounded and protect her from many of the things that are going on in her peer group.? They will give her guidelines and show your love for her.

It’s a lot of work, but who ever said parenting was easy?

No, not that kind of hero.

Your daughter wants a hero, and she?s chosen you, Dad.? Scary, eh?

The twenty-first century hero looks a lot different than those of previous centuries, but has many of the same characteristics.

Meg Meeker, in her book Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, lets you know that being your daughter?s hero may mean doing things that she won?t like:

You might need to show up at a party where your daughter?s friend?and maybe your daughter?have been drinking, and take her home.? You might need to talk to her about the clothes she wears and the music she likes.? And yes, you might even need to get in the the car at one in the morning, go to her boyfriend?s house, and insist that she come home.

Our daughters need leadership.? They need protection, and they need someone that has authority.? She needs guideposts for what?s right and wrong, and she looks to you to provide them.? She will look to her dad to judge a future mate.? She will look to him to see what to aspire to.

Dads, you need to not only have rules, but enforce them.? You must be diligent and persistent.

That?s something I?ve been learning through the short time that I?ve had kids.? That it?s not enough to just say ?no.?? If you say it, you must follow through with the consequence.

Meeker gives 4 pointers all dads should have:

1. Make a plan. Know what your expectations for your daughter are and stick to them.
2. Have courage under fire. Everyone from you child to your wife, to your friends and the television will try to make you bend: Don?t.
3. Be the leader. You have more life experience.? She may be smarter, you?re the adult and you have far more life experience than her.
4. Don?t cave, preserver. Stick with it even when it?s difficult.? Difficult for you, difficult for your family.? You?re more resilient than your daughter is.

She needs a hero.? Like Larry Boy we should answer, ?I. Am. That. Hero!?

What an awesome and scary thought!

The first chapter in Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters is You Are the Most Important Man in Her life.  What’s amazing is that Dr. Meeker attests from experience how girls are impacted by their fathers:

I have watched daughters talk to fathers.  When you come in the room, they change.  Everything about them changes: their eyes, their mouths, their gestures, their body language.  Daughters are never lukewarm in the presence of their fathers.  They might take mothers for granted, but not you.  They light up– or they cry.  They watch you intensely.  They hang on your words.  They hope for your attention, and they wait for it in frustration– or in despair.  they need a gesture of approval, a nod of encouragement, or even simple eye contact to let them know you care and are willing to help.

When she’s in your company, your daughter tries harder to excel.  When you teach her, she learns more rapidly.  When you guide her, she gains confidence.  If you fully understood how profoundly you can influence your daughter’s life, you would be terrified, overwhelmed, or both.  Boyfriends, brothers, even husbands can’t shape her character the way that you do.  You will influence her entire life because she gives you authority she gives no other man.

That last part is the part that struck me the most.  You figure that since they will hopefully be married for much longer than they’ll be in your home, you think that their future husband will have a tremendous impact.

When they’re going through their teenage years, and they talk about their boyfriend and it seems their world revolves around them, it’s hard to imagine that you have the influence that you do.

But take heart, men, you have an influence in your life– you need to take advantage of it, and help guide her heart to find the right man, to strive to be the best she can be.  It is you that will inspire her to go further than she thought possible.

You have the biggest impact.  You make the biggest difference.  You are the one that she looks to as a model for the man that she will one day marry.  You have more power to help shape her life than you ever knew.

As a father to a little girl, these are sobering words.  We’ve all seen the situation comedies that portray the girl as the rebel and the father as the bumbling dolt.

We may have decided that we cannot truly have an impact on our kids– especially when they become teens.  And yet the truth is that we have much more influence in our children’s life– and yet we choose to stand on the sidelines.

Dr. Meg Meeker wrote Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know to try to help show us dads that our children are gifts and that our daughters are much more influenced by us than we thought:

What was amazing for me in this book is that many of the preconceptions I had about my relationship with my kids– not just my daughter– were shown to be different than reality.

For the next few posts I’d like to look at some of the things Dr. Meeker has to say about the Father/Daughter relationship, and encourage the dads among us to get involved in our children’s lives.