Weekend Kindness
Reaching Others Through Kindness

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This was in our church bulletin recently, and I thought it was worth sharing with you.

What Really Counts

Don’t tell me what you’ll do,
When you have time to spare.
Tell me what you did today
To ease a load of care.

Don’t tell me what you will give
When your ship comes in from sea;
Tell me what you gave today -
A fettered soul to free.

Don’t tell me the dreams you have
Of conquest still afar.
Don’t say what you hope to be,
But show me what you are.

-Author Unknown

Now I’m not talking about giving someone a piece of your mind, although I am willing to bet that is probably what popped into your mind when you read the title. As Pastor Dwight Williams said, “People often want to give others a piece of their mind. A lot of us have given away too many pieces already and need to keep what we have left!”

I’m talking about expressing your appreciation. No one can read your mind. Your friends can’t, your children can’t, and you already know your spouse can’t! *smile* I know that we are often more eager to let someone know when something is bothering us, but if that is all we ever do, how will that person know how much we really appreciate what they do?

“Thank you for a delicious meal, Honey.”

“Thanks for taking out the garbage, Dear. I love that you take care of that chore for me.”

“You’re a great big sister. Thank you for watching out for your younger sisters.”

“Thank you for being such a good friend. I know that I can count on you, even when things are rough.”

Statements such as these don’t take too much effort on our part (I know some people have a hard time saying things like this), but they often pay big dividends in our relationships. After all, to build a good relationship, you should make several positive statements for each negative one.

Here’s to speaking our minds more freely - expressing to those around us our thankfulness and appreciation for the role they play in our lives.

Who makes a better friend: the person who is worried about protecting themselves from being hurt or the person who is willing to take that risk in order to allow another person to get close? The answer is obviously “the person who is willing to get hurt.”

A close friend is someone who knows you as you are and loves you anyway; therefore, it is impossible to build a deep and meaningful relationship if you never let your would-be friend get past the defensive walls you have erected to shield you from pain. (I am speaking from my own experience.) This applies to all relationships but is particularly pertinent to marriage.

To build a strong marriage, you must allow your spouse access to the “real” you. When you make yourself vulnerable enough for someone to see behind the facade you so often wear for others’ benefit, you also allow that person access to tender areas that are prone to be hurt. You didn’t get married because you wanted to live with a stranger. Most dreams of marriage center around a close, loving relationship where you are allowed to be yourself within the safe confines of your relationship with your spouse. Sadly, being human, your spouse is guaranteed to hurt you at some point in time and more than once. (Just a thought: you are also guaranteed to hurt your spouse.)

When that happens, it is easy to think (or act), “This hurts too much, and it’s not worth the risk to make myself vulnerable to this person. I’ll forgive, but I’m not letting myself be hurt like that again!” The walls come up, communication declines, and the marriage suffers. If you never tear down the walls, the loving closeness of marriage can quickly disintegrate into the polite distance of two strangers sharing a house.

Have you erected walls in your relationships? How about in your marriage? I know I have, and I have committed myself to tearing down those walls. I realize that I will almost certainly suffer pain because of that vulnerability, but I am willing to pay that price to have the relationships I want to have. I hope you are, too, for life without close friends, life without a close marriage, is guaranteed to be lonely.

P.S. If you are not sure how to go about bringing down the walls you have erected, I suggest you begin by reading the following excellent posts here at Weekend Kindness:

• A Crash Course in Bible Communication - Part 1
• The Time Is Now

Over at The Porch Light, I occasionally run a feature I call Thoughtful Tuesday. In it, I share a quote or two that makes me think. I am constantly adding to my collection inscribed in the front of my Bible and thought that these quotations pertaining to marriage are worth sharing.

“If you are going to have a long marriage, you’d better have a short memory.” - James Dobson

“True love is giving and forgiving.” - Pastor Dwight Williams

“The next time you want to run down your wife, think what that says about you: you picked her out!” - Evangelist Bill Behrens

“We oft take monogamy for granted. We ought to take infidelity as the norm and work to cut it out before it begins. “- Pastor Bill Wingard

“If the home is right, regardless of what you face in the world, you can make it.” -Pastor Bill Wingard

“The key to a successful marriage is not love or compatibility. The key to a successful marriage is commitment.” - Pastor Bill Wingard

“The personal unworthiness of the office holder does not excuse us from obedience to the authority of the office.” - (former) Pastor Steve Cuthrell [I believe this applies to the roles of husband and wife.]

“A woman will be valued above rubies based upon how she takes care of her husband, her children, and herself.” - Pastor Bill Wingard

“A wife who has good horse sense will never become a nag.” - Pastor Dwight Williams

Here’s a simple idea for building relationships: say ‘yes’ as much as is realistically possible.

Sometimes I automatically say no to requests without even considering whether I might instead be able to say yes. I hadn’t realized just how much I do this until my friend Frank posted on this topic at his blog, The New Parent.  I started listening to myself and realized that I say ‘no’ or ‘not right now’ way too often.

“Read us a story, Mommy?”  “Can we go play outside?”  “Can I help you make that?” “Why don’t you come sit with me, Honey?”

Those are some of the questions that earned my negative response this past week.  Upon reflection, I have come to realize that my negative responses are often driven by selfish reasons:

• Sometimes I am fully immersed in the task at hand and do not want to stop.
• Sometimes I am too worried about the inevitable mess that will result from my girls’ “help.”
• Sometimes I honestly feel like I have too much to do to assent to the request.

Those reasons may be valid, but they revolve around me.  I am determined to say ‘yes’ more often.  “Yes, I will read to you.”  “Yes, I think that going outside is a great idea.”  “Yes, you may help me make supper.”  “Yes, Honey, I would love to sit with you.”

Take note of your responses to requests this week.  Do you say ‘no’ more than you should?  Together, let’s work on being a little less selfish in our responses and make the time to say ‘yes’ to our loved ones’ requests instead.

Here’s an idea I like to carry out every so often:

Listen to your spouse talk about his/her childhood or growing up days. Note an unfulfilled wish or dream, and surprise your spouse by making that wish come true. Everybody has different dreams, and this concept can be adapted in numerous ways: toys, trips, special events, and the like. The key is to listen carefully for references to unfulfilled dreams and to find a way to make those dreams come true.

I most recently accomplished this when I purchased Optimus Prime (from Transformers) for Mr. Incredible. He had mentioned that he had always wanted Optimus Prime but only got the generic version of the Transformers toys. The release of the new Transformer movie meant that this toy was once again available, and he was thrilled when I surprised him with the toy of which he had dreamed since childhood.

In our household (and, I assume, in yours as well), we all have jobs that have become “our” chores. For instance, Mr. Incredible takes care of the garbage and all outside work. I am responsible for maintaining the interior of our home, and our girls are supposed to make their beds and clean up the messes they make. (We’re still working on that! *smile*)

Here’s a way I like to surprise the members of our home from time to time: complete someone else’s chore without being asked and without saying anything about it. I love the look of pleased surprise on Mr. Incredible’s face when he comes home to find the garbage has already been taken out. My girls love it when I make their beds “beautiful” for them instead of their having to do it themselves. I love when someone does the dishes for me.

Think about your loved ones’ normal chores and choose one (or more) to complete as a surprise. You are certain to enjoy the pleasure others experience because of your thoughtfulness, and your loved ones will surely appreciate the care expressed by your action.