Weekend Kindness
Reaching Others Through Kindness

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Our society gives us messages of “rights” and “freedom” when it comes to “what I do with my body”. Particularly if you are a woman, you know what I mean– we are inundated with messages that we should live to make ourselves happy- that we are free to dress how we want, live how we want, and anyone who has a problem with it needs to get over it.

But for the Christian, our bodies are not our own to do whatever we’d like with them. If you are married, there are two Scripture passages that talk about your body that are worth consideration:

• 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 says this: “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.”

• In the next chapter, Paul has this to say to married believers: “For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” (1 Corinthians 7:4)

So what I want to talk about is this: how often do we do this, in practice?

When you get dressed in the morning, do you consider how you can honor God in your dress? Do you consider what your husband or wife would like to see you wear? Do you wear your hair and dress for God and for your spouse’s pleasure? Or are you clinging to modern language of “rights” and “individual expression” that would give you reason to dress and wear your hair for your own pleasure?

Many people have personal convictions about hair length or clothing styles that are appropriate for them, but that’s not really what I’m talking about here. In general, are you honoring God with your body? With the way you clothe and decorate your body? Are you purposefully aware that your body is not your own? That firstly, it belongs to God? And that after that, it belongs to your husband or wife?

Let’s ditch the modern attitude that says, “I can do whatever I want because I’m the one who has to live with it,” and instead, begin conforming our physical image to that which is honoring to God and enjoyable to our husband or wife. Maybe after you get the kids in bed tonight, you could take a few minutes to look your spouse in the eyes and ask outright: “I want to be attractive to you. Is there anything I’m doing that you wish I would do differently? Is there anything I’m not doing that would make me more attractive to you? I really want to know.”

Course, then we have to be humble enough to hear a genuine answer. Ladies, it may be that you have been wearing your hair in a way that he doesn’t like for YEARS, or that you’ll have to start taking a little more time to get ready in the morning. Men, it may be that you need to purchase a nose hair trimmer, or that you need to go to a store and pick out some new shirts in her favorite color. Let’s be humble enough to ask for honesty, AND humble enough to receive that honesty from our spouse. Remember, your body is not your own!

The time IS now. For dealing with problems and disagreements in your marriage, that is.

One of the biggest problems I see in marriages is the tendency to let things go. When a problem comes up or a disagreement arises, it’s either dealt with half-way ( “that’s fine; do it your way!” ) or not dealt with at all (silence, ignoring until time passes).

Doug & I have made it a priority in our marriage to deal with problems soon after they come up. Sometimes, the anger is so fierce over a particular issue that one or both of us needs 10-15 minutes to cool off. Sometimes, for really big problems, it has taken hours or way into the wee hours of the morning. But regardless, we’ve tried to deal with problems in our marriage by the biblical principle, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”

I’ve been saddened to hear many long-married couples talk about tension that has built up between them over the months, or even years because of an issue or issues that neither wanted to face up to. There are some simple (though not always easy) solutions to keep us from letting things become underlying problems over weeks, months or years in our marriages:

• TALK HONESTLY! Share the real things of your heart. Don’t soft-shoe when dealing with your real feelings or opinions. When you and your husband or wife are talking through things, lay out how you really feel. Otherwise, you might later be frustrated with your spouse for not respecting your point of view when you’ve never actually told them how you feel.
• TALK SOON AFTER PROBLEMS COME UP. If you’re one that needs 10 minutes or so to cool down, take that time, but then quickly work to resolve things. Be quick to ask forgiveness and quick to forgive. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God- we can’t sit piously in judgment of our spouse and withhold forgiveness without being a lousy hypocrite! So don’t try it. Talk soon after a problem arises. Talk it through. Commit to not raising your voices, but simply laying out your views. If need be, set a timer for 3 minutes, and pass it back and forth, so you each have a chance to speak your mind. Don’t put it off until the next day, or the “next time we get a minute’s peace”. Make time here and now to deal with the issues in your marriage. Don’t let them carry over and plant seeds of resentment in your hearts.
• TALK UNTIL IT’S RESOLVED. Keep talking until you honestly feel forgiveness and have dealt with the anger in your heart. Keep communicating- seeking clarity until you’ve come to a place of mutual understanding. For small decisions, you may be able to come to an agreement fairly quickly (through compromise or going along with one of your views, as you talk through things more fully). For larger decisions or big issues in your life, you may find that though everything may not be totally tied up in a neat little bow, you can come to some temporary solutions that you can both live with contentedly until a permanent solution is found.

It should be evident that we as Christians place high priorities on our marriages. Sadly, this is not always the case. But this CAN be the case in your marriage. Talk honestly about your concerns or disagreements. Talk soon after problems come up. Talk until it’s resolved.

I pray God’s blessings on you and your marriage- that your communication will be beneficial and that you will work to make your marriage all that it can be. Your marriage can be a shining example of oneness! If you haven’t been, I pray that you will begin living a marriage that is run by the principle from Ephesians: “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”

Hello everyone~

I’m Jess, wife of one amazing man (for nearly seven years now), mom to three precious kiddos (two boys- 5 & 3, and one girl- 15 months), and we’re currently pregnant with our fourth. I write, opinionize, and philosophize over at Making Home, a blog about the Christian home, biblical womanhood, God-honoring sexuality, and relationships. I grew up in a solid Christian home, have a degree in Political Science, which is the field I worked in until we had our first child. So I love discussing politics too!

Min the Gap has invited me to be a regular contributor over here at Weekend Kindness, and I’m excited to have another venue to discuss biblical relationships and family. It is my passion to help Christian women discover biblical roles, to encourage fellow believers to study the Word, and to grow and learn in my understanding of the Christian life, sharing that with the people around me. So I look forward to doing that with the other contributors, and readers here at Weekend Kindness.

See you around & I’ll look forward to discussing all aspects of biblical relationships with you!

Jess

That’s how the New Living Translation translates the word “forbear” in Colossians 3:13: “Make allowance for each other’s faults.” Other versions say “forbearing”, or “bearing with”. This idea of making allowance, however, caught my attention. It gives me a couple of pictures of how we’re to deal with difficult people.

First, I thought of the word “allowance” like an underpass that goes under a bridge. It has a certain allowance for cars and trucks to go beneath it without getting hurt or ruined. We need to be the kinds of people that “make allowance” for fellow believers that we disagree with, giving them room to make it through a tight spot without injury or embarrassment. Whether the one we’re frustrated with is our spouse, a person in church we don’t particularly care for, or someone who rubbed us the wrong way on a bad day, we need to give them room to be human, just as we are.

Second, “allowance” gives someone an additional amount of grace or understanding, recognizing that they are at a disadvantage. If a third grader took the SAT, one would make allowance for his age and, rather than focusing on what he missed, would see the things he got right. This is the way we should see one another: as children of God, dearly loved, but desperately human, and living in a web of wickedness and sin. When someone frustrates us, our response ought not be to focus on that instance of wrong, but rather to be amazed at all the things that have gone right between us. When two humans can peacefully coexist, amidst sin, our flesh working within us, and the evil world in which live, it truly is an amazing thing. We need to consider the disadvantage we’re all at, and assess situations accordingly.

When someone wrongs us or frustrates us or “gets under our skin”, the answer is forbearance. Forgiveness is for past faults and hurts, but forbearing (making allowance for) is for present faults and hurts. Let’s forbear one another- in our homes, in our churches, and even, yes, on the internet!