Parents

What do You Do if Someone Else’s Child is Unruly?

Posted Wednesday, December 19th, 2007 and visited 233 times, 1 so far today
by MInTheGap

Thank you for visiting Weekend Kindness-- the blog that helps you build positive relationships! If you're new here, you may want to subscribe to my RSS feed so that you don't miss a single post from one of our great authors!

sepia portrait I read a really great article by Kathleen Deveny titled Your Child Was Out of Line  which highlighted the difference between cultures as far as what was expected from children:

[O]ur ideas about community parenting shift dramatically over time. In Colonial America, children expected to be disciplined by any adult. “Kids were not raised to internalize their own family’s particular values, they were expected to share the community’s values,” says Stephanie Coontz, a professor of history and family studies at Evergreen State College. That began to change in the 1830s as class distinctions grew sharper. “Often it wasn’t so much ‘our family has different rules’ as ‘our type has different rules’,” Coontz says.

In mid-20th-century suburbs, there was enough homogeneity that many parents welcomed a resurgence of community and of common discipline. I feel as though I spent much of my ’60s childhood in Minneapolis being scolded by neighbors for cutting through their yards or throwing snowballs.

During the past 15 or 20 years, however, we have become less likely to discipline even our own children, and bristle when others try. “If someone criticizes your child, it’s like they’ve criticized your whole family, your whole life,” says Dr. Wendy Mogel, author of “The Blessing of a Skinned Knee.”

She goes on to say that she doesn’t expect someone to physically discipline someone else’s child, but that she does figure that it’s appropriate to correct a child in a positive way– so that the parents are reinforced.

I know that a few times I’ve caught a kid running away from their parent, or stood in their way and told them to go back to their mom (this one girl was especially bad in a clothing store).  The mother thanked me.  My wife said that I took a risky chance.

What say you?


MInTheGap has been commenting on the culture at large and current events since 2004. He enjoys spending time with his family, writing, and being active in his local church.
Visit This Author's Website

Tags

[?]
I Want A Husband Who is Decent…
Five Years Goes By Too Quickly

Related Posts



3 Responses to “What do You Do if Someone Else’s Child is Unruly?”

  1. MyAvatars 0.2 Carol Says:
    December 21st, 2007 at 12:44 am Subscribed to Comments

    Hi Min,
    I am having a hard time trying to find replys from others on this site. I often comment on your MinTheGap site and usually like to read what others are saying about your posts.
    Onward and upward — I think that part of “our” problems are indeed due to the fact that we do not have “shared community values”. I see this in adults as well as children, the simple fact of common sense and common courtesy has flown out the window. I have no problem with correcting bad behavior, and do not feel the need to ask permission to do so, after all is said and done, your “rights” end at the tip of my nose. If you or your children are behaving badly and it is uncomfortable to me, I have every right to bring it to your attention. I find that by speaking up, you offer a chance for that person to change their behavior and perhaps change their minds. Before there is a comment about me being “the moral police”, I would like to state that I do not approach people in that fashion. However, if I am in a restaurant, and your child is running around yelling, or if someone at the table next to me is using foul language, they are interfereing with my ability to have a nice time and enjoy my meal. It is simply unacceptable to me, and I feel if a person doesn’t take a stand on small issues, what will become of us when we are faced with big issues.
    I had reason to pay a visit to a family member in the hospital recently, and four other family members, (all women) and I took the elevator down to ground level. As the doors opened, three men tried to push past us to get into the elevator. I very calmly informed them that gentlemen ALWAYS waited for ladies to depart the elevator first, before trying to step into said elevator. They looked chagrined, and immediately stepped back and allowed us to depart the elevator. My family members (who know me so well)
    laughed and were amazed that the men would behave so badly until corrected. Perhaps they had not been taught better, but I would be willing to bet that they will not repeat their behavior in the future.
    Good manners, common courtesy, and kindness never go out of style, but it does sometimes feel as if they have gone missing from our daily lives.

  2. MyAvatars 0.2 Mary Says:
    December 21st, 2007 at 1:08 am Subscribed to Comments

    Good for you, Carol! I wish I were more that way…I usually fume in silence about other’s rude behaviors. Another friend and I even confessed to each other the other day that having our own kids has ruined us for enjoying other people’s kids. Our kids know and respond to our expectations, and it makes all other annoyances glaringly obvious. Even when I correct kids at Awanas (a church kids’club) I walk away feeling like a meanie. Or powerless.

    I agree though, some things need to be stood up for or we’ll lose in bigger ways in the long run. I guess I err more in trying to make sure to notice and appreciate good behavior, in the hopes that it will encourage more of the same! Sadly, most humans these days need more than verbal motivation to exceed the behaviors common around them.

    Good post, MIn. I don’t mind others correcting my children when needed…and if my little one got away in the store I’d be glad you sent them back!

  3. MyAvatars 0.2 MInTheGap Says:
    December 21st, 2007 at 11:10 am

    Hey Carol, what can I do to help you find replies?

    In the new year I’m looking to do a redesign of this site that should help the problem. For the time being, I can increase the number of “active discussions” you see on the left hand bar so you can see recent posts, if that would work?

    I totally agree with you about “shared community values.” I believe that the downside to the segmentation of America (Mexican-American, African-American, etc.) is that we are encouraging a whole bunch of communities to coexist rather than fostering one community. If there was ever an argument for public schooling, this would be it. Since we don’t all agree on morals, ethics, etc. any more, we are left with a divided community and I’m not sure it will ever go back without revival.

    Good job taking a stand for common decency, and not letting people just assume that you’re ok with their rudeness.

    You’ve also got a good point, Mary. It’s good to make sure that we season what we have to say and say it with the parent’s knowledge. The last thing that we need to have happened is have some harassment suit filed on us for trying to do the right thing. If your children are in the same store as I am, I’ll be glad to send them back to you… so when do you move?

Trackbacks