Weekend Kindness
Reaching Others Through Kindness

It’s time once again for more Marriage Related Links here at Weekend Kindness:

A Match Made on Earth

Should a believer marry a non-believer?  Biblically the answer is no and the article says as much:

Christians generally trace the prohibition against dating nonbelievers to this passage from 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? And what communion hath light with darkness?” But many young evangelicals wonder whether there might be exceptions. An advice column in Today’s Christian Woman tackles the question, “Is it a sin to marry a non-Christian?” And a Christian teen magazine called Brio advises girls on “what to do if someone you know is missionary dating.”

It goes on to explore the realm of “missionary dating” and has solemn words from a non-Christian perspective:

Mr. Wilcox says, in effect, don’t count on it: “Promises to convert or to attend church with a spouse on Sunday are often broken after the wedding day, once the romantic bloom is off.”

Christian Parents: What do you Teach Your Children About Marriage?

This article by Jess (a contributor here at Weekend Kindness) asks us where our priorities are when it comes to marriage and what values we are giving to our children:

I believe we Christians have taken on the world’s priorities in this area, and our children and their marriages will suffer if we do not look at God’s perspective on marriage and family and adjust our views accordingly. These institutions (and not financial stability or educational achievement) were given to us by God as primary means of our sanctification and growth. We do wrong when we give our children priorities that line up more with those of the world than those of the Bible.

What Do Americans Think About Marriage?

Maggie Gallagher talks about a recent survey and looks at what Americans think about marriage.

The next generation is persuaded that children need a mom and a dad. They are less convinced that marriage is the key to giving children that gift. Closing that loop in the mind of young adults is the key to marriage’s — and children’s — future.

America realizes that unwed moms having kids is a problem, now they need to recognize a loving, committed marriage relationship as the solution.

Close Encounters of the Engaged Kind

The Wall Street Journal looks at a new movie starring Robin Williams and compares it to real Pre-Nuptial courses.  Though it makes the side comment that those who are going to take the classes are usually those that will remain married, it does take a positive look at different courses and the reasons behind them.

“Up until you break that glass, you can walk away,” said Rabbi Address, citing a symbolic part of Jewish marriage ceremonies. “But once you are married, there’s a whole new universe. The challenge is to translate the blush of love into to the little things of real life years later.”

Key to good marriage? Share housework

So says a new poll:

The Pew Research Center survey on marriage and parenting found that children had fallen to eighth out of nine on a list of factors that people associate with successful marriages ? well behind “sharing household chores,” “good housing,” “adequate income,” a “happy sexual relationship” and “faithfulness.”

And that wraps up today’s edition of Marriage Links.  Stay tuned next time!

As a new contributor to Weekend Kindness, I was asked to start out by introducing myself. For some reason, I find such an assignment rather difficult to articulate, much preferring to jump right in to the issues at hand?why speak of myself? Yet, a good reader likes to be educated at least a wee bit as to the author. :)

“How do you train your children, boys especially, when their dad is just as bad as they are at…picking up after himself?”

This question was posed at my mom’s group yesterday after watching a Christian DVD on Teaching Responsibility. The discussion that followed? Everyone had several points to make. I’d say it’s a topic rife with angst if the reaction of this small group of 8-10 women was any indication.

Now, I don’t advocate husband bashing, obviously, and this didn’t turn into such an event, though it came perilously near once or twice.

My advice? First, we’re not our husband’s mothers. It’s not our job to “fix” him. Second, chances are, we’re the main parent most of the time while our husbands are in the workplace–so train those boys and girls as God would have you train them. As you and your husband have decided to train them.

Most important, instead of focusing on the negative:

• My spouse is so inconsiderate or he/she’d __________. (you fill in the blank)

Focus on the positive. Think of all your spouse does for you, little and big. Don’t keep track of all the little annoyances, and believe me, they’ll become as the dust in the floor cracks, never to resurface again. Serving your mate will become second nature, the joy may not always be there, but the right attitude releases the potential for stress.

Someone’s thinking, “But we shouldn’t have to pick up after him…”

Um, yes, technically…we wives are our husband’s helpmeets…painful on those taken-for-granted days when one more chore to do looms as high as all the laundry you’ve folded that week…

So, really, what do you appreciate about your spouse? Make a list and refer to it more than twice. Add to it. Share it with him or her. Even if it starts with:

“You don’t get on my nerves.”

And part of the process is thanking your better half for these things. If you’ve got clean socks, men, how about snagging that wife for a hug and a “You’re the greatest!” Unexpected praises go a long way.

Women, when your man steps up to the plate, tell him how proud you are to be married to him. I know I’m incredibly grateful that my guy’s out there taking on the world so I can stay at home with our children.

Appreciation is where it’s at.

So, here’s another something that you can do if you’re artistically gifted– but even if you’re not, the time that you spend together will make it special:

Design your personal crest combining symbols that are meaningful to both of you.

So, what kinds of things can you use?  Simply write a list of the things that are most important to the two of you and either find pictures of them or draw pictures of them.  It can be as fancy as you like.

You could make it in such a way that it could be the logo for your family, something that you put on stationery or find some other use for it.  Or you could simply scrapbook it and pictures of you creating it as a memory of the activity.

Whatever you choose, make sure it’s a time to enjoy one another and to celebrate those things that you enjoy!

The Complete Husband
By Lou Priolo

Just as there are Biblical forms of communication, there are also un-Biblical forms of communication.  Unfortunately we probably use the wrong kinds more than we do the right kinds.

The Author of The Complete Husband offers 11 Un-Biblical Forms of Communication– I won’t have to tell you to see if you can spot yourself in these…

1. Interruption

This is when we as guys interrupt our wives before they’re finished saying a thought.  It can be because we’re bored of listening, because we think that we have the solution or because they just seem to be “going on and on”, but it’s still wrong:

• Quick to speak, slow to hear – James 1:19
• Answering a matter before it is heard – Proverbs 18:13

2. Inattentiveness

There are two main ways that men are inattentive.  The first could be termed “Man Fog” which loosely put is when a man is only pretending to pay attention because he has other “more important” things on his mind.  This immediately shows to your wife (who’s not clueless) that you think that whatever you were previously thinking about is more important than what she has to say.

The second is slightly worse– it’s when you spend the time you should be listening formulating a response.  You’re not truly listening if you’re mind is already engaged on what you think you’ll say when she’s done talking.  Do you find it more satisfying to hear yourself speak, or to actually participate in conversation and pay close attention to what your wife has to say?

3. Judging Motives

Ooo, this is a tough one.  Priolo gives three statements and asks us to tell him what’s wrong with them:

• “You only said that because you want me to feel guilty.”
• “The reason you’re being so nice to me is so that I’ll buy you that dress.”
• “You only married me for my money.”

Simply put?  We are not to be the judges of motives, but of actions.  If she said that that was her motive, then we can talk about that, but otherwise, we are to hold off judging and let the Lord judge (1 Corinthians 4:5).  You can ask her to judge her own motives, but

Love, in the absence of real evidence, puts the best possible interpretation on the facts.

4. Not Communicating Willingly

Guys, unwillingness to engage your wife in communication is usually a good indication of a sin problem.  You’re the leader, get in there and talk to her.

5. Sweeping Generalizations

Here’s some more statements:

• “You never listen to me”
• “You’re always dissatisfied with everything I do”
• “The only time you’re nice to me is when you want something“
• “You’re the worst housekeeper I’ve ever known”

These statements are three things: Harsh, unloving and dishonest.  Using words like these only ends up causing more arguments, since you devolve into talking about the frequencies of things, and not dealing with core problem.

6. Blame-Shifting

This is the oldest trick in the book– used by Eve toward the serpent.  Our pride does not want to admit that we are wrong…  ever.  However, the truth is that in usual problems there is blame to be had on both sides, and as leaders in the home we have to be the ones to take the lead and accept our part in the problem and work toward a solution.

7. Apologizing (rather than asking for forgiveness)

We teach our kids to say that they are sorry, but in doing so we miss the important Biblical principle, and we leave the situation up in the air rather than wrapped up.  Why?  Because “I’m sorry” is a recognition of guilt, but “Will you forgive me?” makes it right.  You see, forgiveness is a promise– a promise to forget or not bring up the wrong to you, to anyone else or to themselves.  This actually acknowledges the wrong, deals with it, and seals it.

8. Exhumation

This is digging up past sins or problems to use against a spouse.  There are only two ways to deal with a problem– either by covering it over with love or by confronting and looking for forgiveness.  Neither of these ways leads toward the “you did this to me five years ago.”

9. Scolding

We are not to snort, or scold, our wives– our words should be gentle, not harsh.  Our communication with her should be sweet, seasoned “with salt.”

10. Using Put-Downs

• “Can’t you do anything right?”
• “I see you’ve prepared another burnt offering for my supper tonight.”
• “Why don’t you ask your mother how to fix this meal the right way?”
• “My mother never left dishes in the sink overnight.”
• “You have to be the most ungrateful woman I ever met!”
• “I don’t see how you call yourself a ‘suitable helper’ to me.”

Putting down your wife is prohibited by James 4:11 and Ephesians 4:29. 

You’re to treat her as a weaker vessel (a fragile vase), not a garbage can.

11. Harshness

How do we treat our wives?  Do we look down on them?  Micro-manage them?  We are supposed to be mild or meek with our wives.  Not harsh and abrasive.  Do you treat her with love, or as a slave?

Who makes a better friend: the person who is worried about protecting themselves from being hurt or the person who is willing to take that risk in order to allow another person to get close? The answer is obviously “the person who is willing to get hurt.”

A close friend is someone who knows you as you are and loves you anyway; therefore, it is impossible to build a deep and meaningful relationship if you never let your would-be friend get past the defensive walls you have erected to shield you from pain. (I am speaking from my own experience.) This applies to all relationships but is particularly pertinent to marriage.

To build a strong marriage, you must allow your spouse access to the “real” you. When you make yourself vulnerable enough for someone to see behind the facade you so often wear for others’ benefit, you also allow that person access to tender areas that are prone to be hurt. You didn’t get married because you wanted to live with a stranger. Most dreams of marriage center around a close, loving relationship where you are allowed to be yourself within the safe confines of your relationship with your spouse. Sadly, being human, your spouse is guaranteed to hurt you at some point in time and more than once. (Just a thought: you are also guaranteed to hurt your spouse.)

When that happens, it is easy to think (or act), “This hurts too much, and it’s not worth the risk to make myself vulnerable to this person. I’ll forgive, but I’m not letting myself be hurt like that again!” The walls come up, communication declines, and the marriage suffers. If you never tear down the walls, the loving closeness of marriage can quickly disintegrate into the polite distance of two strangers sharing a house.

Have you erected walls in your relationships? How about in your marriage? I know I have, and I have committed myself to tearing down those walls. I realize that I will almost certainly suffer pain because of that vulnerability, but I am willing to pay that price to have the relationships I want to have. I hope you are, too, for life without close friends, life without a close marriage, is guaranteed to be lonely.

P.S. If you are not sure how to go about bringing down the walls you have erected, I suggest you begin by reading the following excellent posts here at Weekend Kindness:

• A Crash Course in Bible Communication – Part 1
• The Time Is Now