Husbands

11 Un-Biblical Forms of Communication

Posted Tuesday, September 18th, 2007 and visited 506 times, 1 so far today
by MInTheGap

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737353: The Complete Husband
The Complete Husband
By Lou Priolo

Just as there are Biblical forms of communication, there are also un-Biblical forms of communication.  Unfortunately we probably use the wrong kinds more than we do the right kinds.

The Author of The Complete Husband offers 11 Un-Biblical Forms of Communication– I won’t have to tell you to see if you can spot yourself in these…

1. Interruption

This is when we as guys interrupt our wives before they’re finished saying a thought.  It can be because we’re bored of listening, because we think that we have the solution or because they just seem to be “going on and on”, but it’s still wrong:

  • Quick to speak, slow to hear - James 1:19
  • Answering a matter before it is heard - Proverbs 18:13

2. Inattentiveness

There are two main ways that men are inattentive.  The first could be termed “Man Fog” which loosely put is when a man is only pretending to pay attention because he has other “more important” things on his mind.  This immediately shows to your wife (who’s not clueless) that you think that whatever you were previously thinking about is more important than what she has to say.

The second is slightly worse– it’s when you spend the time you should be listening formulating a response.  You’re not truly listening if you’re mind is already engaged on what you think you’ll say when she’s done talking.  Do you find it more satisfying to hear yourself speak, or to actually participate in conversation and pay close attention to what your wife has to say?

3. Judging Motives

Ooo, this is a tough one.  Priolo gives three statements and asks us to tell him what’s wrong with them:

  • “You only said that because you want me to feel guilty.”
  • “The reason you’re being so nice to me is so that I’ll buy you that dress.”
  • “You only married me for my money.”

Simply put?  We are not to be the judges of motives, but of actions.  If she said that that was her motive, then we can talk about that, but otherwise, we are to hold off judging and let the Lord judge (1 Corinthians 4:5).  You can ask her to judge her own motives, but

Love, in the absence of real evidence, puts the best possible interpretation on the facts.

4. Not Communicating Willingly

Guys, unwillingness to engage your wife in communication is usually a good indication of a sin problem.  You’re the leader, get in there and talk to her.

5. Sweeping Generalizations

Here’s some more statements:

  • “You never listen to me”
  • “You’re always dissatisfied with everything I do”
  • “The only time you’re nice to me is when you want something“
  • “You’re the worst housekeeper I’ve ever known”

These statements are three things: Harsh, unloving and dishonest.  Using words like these only ends up causing more arguments, since you devolve into talking about the frequencies of things, and not dealing with core problem.

6. Blame-Shifting

This is the oldest trick in the book– used by Eve toward the serpent.  Our pride does not want to admit that we are wrong…  ever.  However, the truth is that in usual problems there is blame to be had on both sides, and as leaders in the home we have to be the ones to take the lead and accept our part in the problem and work toward a solution.

7. Apologizing (rather than asking for forgiveness)

We teach our kids to say that they are sorry, but in doing so we miss the important Biblical principle, and we leave the situation up in the air rather than wrapped up.  Why?  Because “I’m sorry” is a recognition of guilt, but “Will you forgive me?” makes it right.  You see, forgiveness is a promise– a promise to forget or not bring up the wrong to you, to anyone else or to themselves.  This actually acknowledges the wrong, deals with it, and seals it.

8. Exhumation

This is digging up past sins or problems to use against a spouse.  There are only two ways to deal with a problem– either by covering it over with love or by confronting and looking for forgiveness.  Neither of these ways leads toward the “you did this to me five years ago.”

9. Scolding

We are not to snort, or scold, our wives– our words should be gentle, not harsh.  Our communication with her should be sweet, seasoned “with salt.”

10. Using Put-Downs

  • “Can’t you do anything right?”
  • “I see you’ve prepared another burnt offering for my supper tonight.”
  • “Why don’t you ask your mother how to fix this meal the right way?”
  • “My mother never left dishes in the sink overnight.”
  • “You have to be the most ungrateful woman I ever met!”
  • “I don’t see how you call yourself a ’suitable helper’ to me.”

Putting down your wife is prohibited by James 4:11 and Ephesians 4:29. 

You’re to treat her as a weaker vessel (a fragile vase), not a garbage can.

11. Harshness

How do we treat our wives?  Do we look down on them?  Micro-manage them?  We are supposed to be mild or meek with our wives.  Not harsh and abrasive.  Do you treat her with love, or as a slave?


MInTheGap has been commenting on the culture at large and current events since 2004. He enjoys spending time with his family, writing, and being active in his local church.
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Table of contents for The Complete Husband

  1. Introduction
  2. I Wish She Came With an Owners Manual
  3. A Woman’s Roles
  4. 11 Questions to Ask Your Wife
  5. So, What’s There to Talk About?
  6. A Crash Course in Biblical Communication - Part 1
  7. 11 Un-Biblical Forms of Communication
  8. Maintaining a Spirit of Unity
  9. Love is a Verb
  10. The Root Cause of All Marriage Problems
  11. 18 Signs that Your Husband Is Bitter
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