Weekend Kindness
Reaching Others Through Kindness

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The time IS now. For dealing with problems and disagreements in your marriage, that is.

One of the biggest problems I see in marriages is the tendency to let things go. When a problem comes up or a disagreement arises, it’s either dealt with half-way ( “that’s fine; do it your way!” ) or not dealt with at all (silence, ignoring until time passes).

Doug & I have made it a priority in our marriage to deal with problems soon after they come up. Sometimes, the anger is so fierce over a particular issue that one or both of us needs 10-15 minutes to cool off. Sometimes, for really big problems, it has taken hours or way into the wee hours of the morning. But regardless, we’ve tried to deal with problems in our marriage by the biblical principle, “don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”

I’ve been saddened to hear many long-married couples talk about tension that has built up between them over the months, or even years because of an issue or issues that neither wanted to face up to. There are some simple (though not always easy) solutions to keep us from letting things become underlying problems over weeks, months or years in our marriages:

• TALK HONESTLY! Share the real things of your heart. Don’t soft-shoe when dealing with your real feelings or opinions. When you and your husband or wife are talking through things, lay out how you really feel. Otherwise, you might later be frustrated with your spouse for not respecting your point of view when you’ve never actually told them how you feel.
• TALK SOON AFTER PROBLEMS COME UP. If you’re one that needs 10 minutes or so to cool down, take that time, but then quickly work to resolve things. Be quick to ask forgiveness and quick to forgive. We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God- we can’t sit piously in judgment of our spouse and withhold forgiveness without being a lousy hypocrite! So don’t try it. Talk soon after a problem arises. Talk it through. Commit to not raising your voices, but simply laying out your views. If need be, set a timer for 3 minutes, and pass it back and forth, so you each have a chance to speak your mind. Don’t put it off until the next day, or the “next time we get a minute’s peace”. Make time here and now to deal with the issues in your marriage. Don’t let them carry over and plant seeds of resentment in your hearts.
• TALK UNTIL IT’S RESOLVED. Keep talking until you honestly feel forgiveness and have dealt with the anger in your heart. Keep communicating- seeking clarity until you’ve come to a place of mutual understanding. For small decisions, you may be able to come to an agreement fairly quickly (through compromise or going along with one of your views, as you talk through things more fully). For larger decisions or big issues in your life, you may find that though everything may not be totally tied up in a neat little bow, you can come to some temporary solutions that you can both live with contentedly until a permanent solution is found.

It should be evident that we as Christians place high priorities on our marriages. Sadly, this is not always the case. But this CAN be the case in your marriage. Talk honestly about your concerns or disagreements. Talk soon after problems come up. Talk until it’s resolved.

I pray God’s blessings on you and your marriage- that your communication will be beneficial and that you will work to make your marriage all that it can be. Your marriage can be a shining example of oneness! If you haven’t been, I pray that you will begin living a marriage that is run by the principle from Ephesians: “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger.”

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