Weekend Kindness
Reaching Others Through Kindness

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The culture at large is pushing a sexualized society.  They preach that teens will do it, no matter if you tell them or not.  They analogize the relationship to taking a test drive of a car– you have to make sure it’s really the one you want.

Here’s the problem with the car analogy: the car doesn’t have hurt feelings if the driver dumps it back at the used car lot and decides not to buy it. The analogy works great if you picture yourself as the driver. It stinks if you picture yourself as the car.

Statistics show that those that cohabitate are less likely to stay married when they get married.  Why?  Partly because while cohabitating there’s a more even share of household duties, and when marriage enters the picture traditional gender roles return.

And partly because the couple has been practicing remaining detached:

Here is an analogy that works better than the taking the car for a test drive analogy. Suppose I ask you to give me a blank check, signed and ready to cash. All I have to do is fill in the amount. Most people would be unlikely to do this. You would be more likely to do it, if you snuck out and drained the money out of your account before you gave me the check. Or, you could give me the check and just be scared and worried about what I might do.

Think about it: What do you have in your checking account that is more valuable than what you give to a sexual partner? When people live together, and sleep together, without marriage, they put themselves in a position that is similar to the person being asked to give a blank check. They either hold back on their partner by not giving the full self in the sexual act and in their shared lives together. Or, they feel scared a lot of the time, wondering whether their partner will somehow take advantage of their vulnerability.

No one can simulate self-giving. Half a commitment is no commitment. Cohabiting couples are likely to have one foot out the door, throughout the relationship. The members of a cohabiting couple practice holding back on one another. They rehearse not trusting. The social scientists that gather the data do not have an easy way to measure this kind of dynamic inside the relationship.

So, if you’re dating, nurture your emotional and verbal relationship– stay out of cohabitation and sex.  It’s important that you save these intimate moments for the one that you can truly give your all to– without reservation.

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