Dating, Friends

Open Question: Friends of the Opposite Sex

Posted Monday, August 13th, 2007 and visited 257 times, 1 so far today
by MInTheGap

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Can you have friends with the opposite sex without it developing into more?  If so, what are the possible pitfalls?


MInTheGap has been commenting on the culture at large and current events since 2004. He enjoys spending time with his family, writing, and being active in his local church.
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3 Responses to “Open Question: Friends of the Opposite Sex”

  1. MyAvatars 0.2 Revka Says:
    August 13th, 2007 at 2:33 pm Subscribed to Comments

    Alright, I need some clarification here: before marriage, after marriage, … when?

    I have always been more at ease with boys who are friends than with girls - not sure why. However, when the time comes for dating, being engaged, or being married, I have found that having close friends of the opposite sex can actually be detrimental to the close relationship I am endeavoring to build.

    Pitfalls:

    1. I think that even though it is possible to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex without it developing into more, the possibility for something more is still there; conversely, when dealing with friends of the same sex, in my life there is absolutely no possibility of anything more than friendship. (I hope you understood that. )
    2. There is the potential that the person you love will be jealous of your friendship with this other person.
    3. You may share more with your friend than with your loved one - failing to build the honesty and openness that your loved one deserves.
    4. Particularly when married, I find close friendships with members of the opposite sex to be undesirable because they can be used as a tool of Satan to attack the home.

    Those are my thoughts, and you may not agree with me. I feel comfortable with a couple of my husband’s childhood friends but do not seek to form close personal friendships with any members of the opposite sex. My husband should be my best friend.

  2. MyAvatars 0.2 Jess Says:
    August 14th, 2007 at 2:06 am Subscribed to Comments

    I feel very strongly that while this may be “permissible”, it is not beneficial. I’ve written about it some on my own blog… this is an area where there may not be definite rules spelled out in Scripture, but we can use what Scripture DOES say to recognize the best choices.

    For example, there are no admirable biblical stories that involve a friendship between a married man or woman and a person of the opposite sex. No positive examples, no permissible examples. We have Mary and Elizabeth, Ruth & Naomi, David & Jonathan, Jesus & John. We just don’t see opposite sex friendships (particularly when one is married) held up as good.

    In my mind, there is nothing valuable enough to risk damage to or struggles in my marriage. I won’t be choosing to invest in or delight in or focus on or put any time or effort into friendships with men other than my husband, dad, brother, and sons. It’s just too big a risk for something that is optional at best.

    Jess @ Making Home

  3. MyAvatars 0.2 MInTheGap Says:
    August 14th, 2007 at 10:51 am

    Good thoughts, Revka and Jess.

    I think Revka has hit on the only hard part that I’ve found– those relationships that were formed prior to marriage that were just friendships. When we first got married, I went through and got rid of a lot of pictures that I had around of a girl I dated for a while. I didn’t have them displayed, they were all put away, but that wasn’t enough.

    Same thing with IM– I tuned it out for a while so that any relationship building I had been doing settled out of my system.

    I will say that I have had casual relationships with older women (my parents age), but even then I have not discussed anything that I was not saying to my wife because, like Jess says, there’s very little good to be attained in these types of relationships.

    Hence why Titus 2 says that older men should be instructing younger men and older women instructing younger women.

    A side note, I think that this ministry is sorely lacking in some churches and we would be all the better if this were in place like it should be.

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